How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
