It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
