he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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