I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
