I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
