My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
