I cannot find my penis.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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