I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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