new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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