now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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