ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
