i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
