My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
this just has baby written all over it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
