I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
