Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
