Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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