New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My feet surprised me
Randomize
