I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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