Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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