Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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