The best revenge is premature balding
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
