guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Boobs are out for the taking
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
