mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
