She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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