Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
