How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
