if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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