so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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