I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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