The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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