$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's shark week go big or go home
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
