"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
