remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.