hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.