well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
