My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
