I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
