Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
