1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
