you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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