yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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