Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
