So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
