Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
