i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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