I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
