I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
