He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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