Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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