i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
