dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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