I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
