Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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