Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
