You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
