i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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