so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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