Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He felt like a one man threesome
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
