You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I still have a little drunk in my system
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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