he thought i was a dude.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
